Right church, wrong pew. Have you ever heard that phrase? Another is right plant, wrong spot or pot or something like that.
I feel like these statements exemplify how I have felt the majority of my adult life in regard to my career. So much that at times I questioned if I indeed was the wrong plant. Shouting many times out of frustration, “what is wrong with me!?!?!!!!” Many bouts of depression and anger over the years impacted the lives of my husband and children. Despite trying to do the “right” thing, my efforts to stay the course often backfired because I was so miserable that I made everyone in my life miserable. Thank God for counseling, grad school and SAM-e!
As the kids grew older, I yearned to find my niche. To do what I was called to do. I had tried to avoid going back to school when they were younger and became an alternative high school counselor which was very stressful and I wanted to adopt half the kids so not a sustainable position. I lasted two school years and went back to nursing, feeling completely demoralized.
Over the course of time, I tried seminary, campaigned for Barack Obama, and had more positions in nursing than I care to recount. My friends would actually ask me to say all my jobs as a joke. Frankly, I didn’t find my misery amusing. In retrospect, I truly did want to keep trying different things and from an outsider perspective it was probably quite eclectic and chaotic.
Some of my positions were more palatable than others, especially my part time job when the kids were growing up. I was happy to be able to spend time with them and my role, albeit mind numbing at times, allowed me space to be both an engaged mother and a working professional. In that moment it was perfect but then tragedy struck our family and everything shifted. The loss of my younger brother-in-law made everything seem surreal and nothing made sense any more especially staying in a career that I had long known was not a fit. After the many stages of grief recirculating over and over again (particularly anger) I decided that I needed to go full time at work and get my graduate degree to switch careers permanently. That worked for several years but as you all know from my writings, I came back to nursing yet again recently.
There were a few points where I felt myself. When I became a Reiki Master, Flinders Practitioner, Practice Coach and obtained my Masters in Organizational Leadership. I felt accomplished and that I had arrived but then it all came tumbling down when I lost my position in 2016 with the organization I worked at for 22 years.
Other than the loss of my brother-in-law in 2009 that upended my whole entire world personally, this loss was life altering. I became professionally unmoored and since that time have tried multiple leadership positions which have left my soul feeling sucked dry. That said, I did reconnect to my Reiki practice and through it all have reconnected back to myself. 2020 was the year of coming full circle and 2021 is the year of authenticity.
In that spirit, I am going to embark fearlessly on a new career. To do something that has come up for me one and time again over the course of my life. To do something that I was told to do even as a young child. Something that can use all of my gifts and help others which is all I have ever really wanted to do in the first place. It feels wonderful now to reclaim myself. I am going back to school to be a massage therapist! I am going to start at the end of February for 6 months of training to be certified. Although there are still details to work out, I know that I will be a massage therapist before I am 50 in November!
I love hospice but don’t love nursing. That is my truth. Right church, wrong pew. I do intend to do massage for hospice among a host of other things. Above all, I want to spend the second half of my life being happy and following my heart 💜
So what new story are you writing for yourself this year?