How many times have I sat across from someone and asked them to bare their soul to help move themselves forward? Asking the hard questions of reflection to raise awareness and cause the cognitive dissonance to create the impetus for change. Plumbing the depths of the heart to unlock the secrets that hold us back. I ask those I connect with for authenticity and transparency. What would my response be if the situations were reversed? How could I expect less from myself?
This week, I had an opportunity to experience the other side of the interview. As the interviewee, I felt incredibly vulnerable. Truly I was doing my best to answer openly and honestly. To really be as insightful as possible to help this person help me to make lasting change in my life. All the while I felt this underlying force; my most basic impulse, resist!
Funny, it is the defense mechanism with which I am most familiar. A knee jerk reaction that happens without thought. A feeling that starts deep in the pit of my stomach that bubbles up and engulfs me. Shouting forcefully within my head, one solitary word, “NO!” From an early age, I can remember its appearance in my life when faced with anything I didn’t like. Showing up as defiance against my mother as she tried to discipline me for doing something wrong or secretly doing the very thing I was told was “bad” for me. A sure fire way to get me to do the exact opposite of whatever I was being asked to stop was to tell me what to do in the first place. Yes, resistance and I are long time frienemies.
Don’t get me wrong. There have been times when that urge to resist has served me well. It has given me strength in moments where I needed to uphold my integrity despite the fact that it may cost my livelihood, which it did. I would still do it again and am proud of my ability to resist those that would abuse power. Problem is, most of the time my resistance urge usually end in self-sabotage where the only person that gets hurt is myself. The “I will show you” impulse has backfired more times than I care to recount over the years, particularly as it relates to my eating habits. Case in point…my husband makes a comment about what I am eating and if I am not careful, not present, resistance is more than willing to come and take over. Before I know it, I am defiantly eating not only the original spoonful of ice cream that I craved but a heaping bowl of it with all the toppings!
Over the years and after many counseling sessions, I have learned that the comments have more to do with him than me. What I am responsible for is the story that I tell myself when I hear them and how I respond. Although I am now aware that this is happening, it has not stopped the initial reaction to resist. “Who are you to tell me what to do?” is still my default internal refrain. Now I am just more aware that I need to pay attention in that moment to what I am feeling before acting on those thoughts. That is why I committed to my health coach that I would meditate when I felt the urge to eat or play a game on my phone instead of acting thoughtlessly. My intent would be to shift from seeking solace or distraction in food or playing a game into a healthier choice. I may still make the decision in the end and that is okay. We are all human and doing our best from moment to moment. There will be another opportunity to make a different choice. Better to be at peace with a decision and embrace myself lovingly than to continue a second more in self-judgement. At the end of the day, loving yourself in every sense of the word is what is most important.