Why on earth did I do this? I said to myself as I grumbled inwardly. It seemed like a good idea at the time to get free educational credit at a Cardiac Conference, February is the heart awareness month after all, but the thought of getting up early and out the door for the third day in a row was definitely not working for me this morning. Yesterday was mentally and emotionally draining both professionally and then personally. When I planned for this conference, none of these things factored into my decision and how could it? Hard to plan for the “what ifs” in life.
Resigned to live up to my obligations, I headed to the shower to get ready. As the water hit my head, thoughts began to flow as they often do. Water is such a conduit for spiritual connection and opening. It used to really freak me out but now I understand that it is a normal way for me to be in a more receptive state to plug into the flow of the Universe. What came to mind initially took me off guard, why was I thinking about one of my favorite cardiologists that I haven’t seen in probably 15 years?
Sure, I now work with his son and I saw him at work yesterday. Not that unusual since I see him often. Perhaps it was because Dr. O’s son was sick and I felt badly for him, yet that didn’t feel right either. Most likely my thoughts were related to attending the cardiology conference and subconsciously thinking about my former professional life as a cardiac nurse. After all this time, the years that I spent in invasive cardiology were the happiest during my nursing career. It has defined my professional identity and also led to lifelong friendships that I value. Although I work in a different health network now, I can’t help but to hope that I will of run into one of my past colleagues whenever I attend these events.
My thoughts about Dr. O this morning centered around one thing I said to him over 20 years ago. It was on odd phrasing as many of my statements are but is was fully authentic and heartfelt. For the life of me I can’t remember what he did or said on this day to elicit the remark (honestly just his mere presence could have done it!) but when I responded to him I said, “Dr. O. You are the whole bag of chips!” Now at the time, I was in my mid twenties and he had to have been at least 30 years my senior. Although he was a most attractive m, good smelling man with his full head of silver hair, expressive blue eyes, warm smile, and fine physique, that was not truly why I made the comment. Certainly it added to the package but what distinguished this gentleman was, well, he was just that. A gentleman in every sense of the word. He was patient, kind, intelligent, humble, loving husband and father; honestly one of the best humans that I ever met.
I can still see him in my mind’s eye; sitting at the desk, his pen’s nib making a slight scratching sound as he wrote orders with his blue fountain pen. Doctors don’t write their orders anymore for which I am mostly grateful but I do miss Dr. O’s distinguished handwriting and the ritual he had when he put pen to paper. I loved watching him and the memory of it warms my heart. Perhaps it is the writer in me knowing how good the weight of the pen feels in your hand as well as the satisfying sound of it flowing over the page. Maybe it is mostly because I could feel the love that he put into his work and how it’s meaning was important to him. How much he truly cared. In that we were kindred spirits.
I carried those thoughts with me as I attended the conference today. The lessons that I learned about how to be a good human from Dr. O. How important it is to do meaningful work and to love one another. I knew he was always special to me but until this moment, I had never really reflected about how much he impacted my life. For that I am truly blessed and hope for everyone to also have a Dr. O in their life to help with all matters of the heart.
