I heard the word during the meditation and tears started to flow. It is what I say to my restless patients when I see the fear in their eyes. When they are being moved or just don’t understand what is happening in their minds and bodies with their disease progression. It dawned on me that I say it because I don’t feel it. That is why I pace when faced with a new or upsetting situation. Stillness has been elusive for me. I have difficulty grounding because I haven’t felt safe since I was probably two years old. I know you normally don’t have memories at that age but I remember my parents fighting in the car and trying to intercede. The break up of my nuclear family at age 3 and losing my house and dog solidified the insecurities that I would carry even now to this day at the age of 49.
The first moment I can remember feeling safe, truly knowing I was safe was in the arms of my now husband. We have had our ups and downs and truly hated each other at points but there is nowhere that has ever felt like home more than in his arms. This I know to be true and brings me the stillness and peace that is so needed in this life. I will remember that this is also within me as I continue my practice of self-love and compassion.